Empty Room

Being a single mom isn’t hard because of the finances or their ages or being alone; It’s hard because you come home from work to a hollow silence. Anticipating their excitement, your 18 month old daughter screaming “Hi!” Then only hearing the echo of your own voice.  
Being a single mom is moving home with your parents and starting over; trying to build a foundation, rebuild your family minus one. It’s trying to find a sense of normality, projecting resilience and creating stability.

It’s letting go of their hands sooner than you thought you’d have to. It’s missing half of their time, missing some of the “firsts” because you’re at work or they’re with their father.

They grow up so much faster when they are gone half the time. You’re not leaving them just for the night or the weekend, but multiple nights, every week. Tears pouring as soon as they’re out of view. Ache in your chest when they’re so caught up with their father they don’t notice you slip away. Living behind a revolving door; waiting for it to be your turn, for them to step through again.

Your kids are your whole life and now you’re only half of theirs. You have never known a love the way you love your children; you have never felt an ache, a pain, an emptiness the way you feel when they’re gone.

Living off memories until they come back home. Watching their favorite movies and listening to their favorite songs; finding excuses to wander through their room. Planning all the things you’re going to do with them; crying when you know you won’t get to do half of those things you planned.

It’s biting back that bitterness and resentment because he has the kids. It’s communicating, standing your ground, and holding it together when you just want to scream, give in, and fall apart. It’s putting on a happy face and accommodating their father. It’s showing them courage and strength when you feel scared and weakened. It’s buying a Father’s Day gift they picked out for their dad, a man that hurt you, because you don’t want them to be disappointed or empty handed.

You feel like you’re losing time. Just yesterday he was 4, she was a newborn; now he’s going to kindergarten and she’s talking. The gaps growing more frequent, the burden on your heart growing heavier.

You walk by their empty room with eyes full of unspilled tears. This is being a single mom; staring in an empty room until they come back home.

© Chelsie Cummings 2017

red ink

Putting pen to paper is all I know

It’s the only place my thoughts can genuinely flow

Writing in ink gives a permanent rendition

Of the combination of words describing my condition

The paper bleeds red from all I wrote

One last attempt at a good bye note

Bolded, italicized, underlined, and stained

Long after I’m gone the red ink remains

 

© Chelsie Cummings 2017

numb to you

I’m watching my dreams slip through my fingertips

I feel like I’m trapped on a deserted, sinking ship

It’s just one more disappointment, one more slap to the face

One more reason to hate you for once again putting me in this place

This place of hopelessness and abandonment

Trapped in these emotions and I don’t know how to manage it

 

…deep breath

 

I take a step back, take a deep breath

I look around me and I see nothing left

Nothing left to destroy, nothing left to miss

All that I have now is just this:

 

My pen, my journal, my rhymes

And of course an indeterminable expanse of time

 

…tears fall

 

But I catch every single one and keep them in a jar

A reminder of how I’ve come so far

Far from misery, far from shame

Far from feeding in to you and your games

 

…numb to you

 

I no longer feel a thing, just going through the motions

As calm and cool as a breeze across the ocean

At least to you that’s how I appear

I won’t ever again show you my tears

I will never again run to you

You’ve forever made me numb to you

 

 

© Chelsie Cummings 2017

leaves

The leaves are dancing in the wind

Rustling, skittering, tangled in each other 

Skipping across the ground to a destination unknown

Speaking a language all their own 

A gust blows them my way

They speak to me yet I know not what they say

I wish the breeze to continue to make them move

So I can listen to their song

But as the wind dies, so do their voices

The silence deafens me, without the leaves noises

© Chelsie Cummings 2017

wine and animosity

I woke up alone in an empty bed

With thoughts of you filling my head

The chaos of last night still lingers

Once more you’ve put me through the ringer

I thought God gave me you for the ups and downs

But all you ever do is leave me in doubt

A combination of wine and animosity

The irony of it all isn’t lost on me

I don’t know how it all keeps going wrong

One minute you love me, the next you’re gone

I’ve got whiplash from the constant back and forth

I would fix the problem if I knew the source

The clouds are crying to match my tears

A dreary morning to match my fears

Things will never change, it’ll never get better

The stains on my cheeks will only get wetter

I’ve hid in bed as long as the night allowed

I’ve never needed you like I do right now

But I won’t pick up the phone, I’ll keep the heart ache at bay

I’ll shuffle through alone this Valentine’s Day

 

© Chelsie Cummings 2017

 

 

morbidly beautiful

A beautiful dinner set out for two

To celebrate Valentine’s Day with you

The candles are lit, the wine is poured

The mood is set, a lovely evening in store

The front door opens and you’ve arrived

Rose petals laid out to be your guide

But once false move set the fire alight

Reaching out to everything in sight

And so it began, a beautiful nightmare

Destructive and lovely, spreading everywhere

I grasp you, my lover, and hold you tight

As the fire consumes our enchanting night

The flames lick your face as I stare on in horror

I pull you closer, we huddle in the corner

I’ve waited too long but with my last breath

I whisper the words before we meet our death

The diamonds glitter in the dancing fire

We screech harmoniously, a macabre choir

The ring slides easily on your bony finger

Our love will be the only thing left to linger

I lean into you for one last kiss

But our teeth clash without any lips

The flesh has melted from your face

Ivory bones left in its place

A horrible caricature of the woman you’d been

But your beauty still radiates from within

Our skeletal frames are entangled now and forever

A morbidly beautiful Valentine’s endeavor

 

 Happy Valentine’s Day ❤️

© Chelsie Cummings 2017

 

 

gone

Everybody listens, but nobody hears

My words are falling on deaf ears

Dripping from my lips and echoing in the silence

These are the moments that lead to inner violence

Lashing out because I can no longer keep it in

Whispering to the darkness because it’s my only friend

I walk this path surrounded by hollow faces

Alone against the stillness in these empty places

I’m all on my own fighting this cancer of the soul

Does anybody even know how much it’s taking its toll

It’s so alluring when you want to be gone

It’s so enticing when everything’s gone wrong

When nothing is left but this desolation

It’s easy to be seduced by the temptation

When life has become nothing more than monotony glorified

It’s easy to let the world be forgotten and turn to suicide

 

© Chelsie Cummings 2017

 

 

 

My affliction 

I’ve developed this condition

Displaying all the right symptoms

I’ve become a victim

Everything feels so different

I’m seeing life through a new lens

The fog has been cleansed

A change in perspective

I’m going in a new direction

Moving so fast, but getting nowhere

Thoughts exposed, body bare

All eyes on me, I feel violated

Standing apart, I feel isolated

I’m fighting alone in this glass case

One wrong move will shatter this place

In an endless battle with this affliction

At the mercy of my addiction

© Chelsie Cummings 2017

murky waters

I’m swimming upwards through the darkness

Holding my breath, searching for the surface

The dark waters are clouded with my thoughts

Entangling me in infrangible knots

The veiled silence is threatening to drown me

With murky waters continuously rising around me

My soul’s growing weary, the fight in me diminishing

The void patiently waiting for the chance to finish me

My body finally goes limp, having lost all hope

With nowhere to go I let myself just float

Waiting for the pit of nothingness to devour me

I’ve accepted my fate and it’s lost all power over me

No longer snarled by my burdensome thoughts

I’ve drifted to the surface finding the peace I’ve for so long sought

 

© Chelsie Cummings 2017