It’s impossible to describe how I feel

I don’t even know where to begin

Five years ago life had just begun

Fast forward and it seems it all came to an end


It seemed to all abruptly changed,

That you so suddenly changed

Looking back it was gradual, it was so obvious

When things began to rearrange


I’m standing in a doorway now

With only two options: go or stay

Do I look back and keep trying?

Do I move forward and walk away?


You’ve given me more than enough,

More than enough reasons to leave

With bags packed and in tow

I can’t help but stop and want to believe


I want to believe the words you said

I want to look back and into your eyes

I want to see truth and hope

I want to believe it’s more than lies


I keep wishing and keep I praying

Praying for things to work

My heart remains at war

Confused and in a constant state of hurt


I’ve given you my whole self

Are you giving me your best?

I don’t know your heart anymore

If it even beats behind your chest


I’ve given you my all, sacrificed my life

I only ask for mercy on my heart

You’re good intentions are failing

You’re only tearing me apart


Don’t ask me to look back at what we had

Don’t ask me not to walk out the door

I need to make this decision for myself

The choice is mine alone, I have to be sure


Yet I remain stuck in limbo

In a state of complacency

I’m still looking for a way out

To get out of this situation painlessly


Either way, whether I stay, whether I go

Pain remains inevitable

This suffering is optional

And either choice is irrevocable


I can’t keep doing things on your terms

I can’t keep fighting

I don’t even know what I’m fighting for anymore

So, I’ve turned back to my writing



© Chelsie Cummings 2017




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