A dark place in my soul reopens, my inner pain reawakens

A tornado is building up, a storm in the making

My heart sinks so deeply, it’s impossible to feel

The depression, anger, resentment threaten to kill

I’ve fallen into a hole, an abyss of confusion

I can’t climb out without a sensible resolution

Life is so good, and yet I crave more, a change

I’m not used to stability, I’ve always been estranged

I’m tempted to run and the desire grows stronger

I push away from the idea, but of it, I also grow fonder

I’m scared of the pain of leaving, but crave to be alone

I ignore this feeling, but I can’t ignore how its grown

What the hell is wrong with me, wanting to escape this life?

Look how far I’ve come from suffering, from misery, from strife

Is it the freedom, no commitment? Or drugs, feeling only numb?

I fight myself wanting to want to stay, but needing to run

I feel stuck, obligated, unsatisfied, in a world I accidentally chose

I can blame no one but myself for feeding desires that arose

Or maybe I can blame him, he should’ve been here

And she is useless to me and denied me all these years

I can blame divorced, careless, selfish, neglectful parents

Abandonment or the elements of my genetic inheritance

I wish to be unborn, to return to “pre-existence”

But would I be content, would that really fix this?

I’m terrified of death, more so of the unknown

And yet I contemplate suicide, to free my soul from these bones

My spirit feels trapped in the cage I call my body

I’ve threatened my flesh, to end our camaraderie

But I fail, courage slipping away

Tears follow closely behind expressing my dismay

What does one do in such a predicament as mine?

Do I really want to run; do I want to cross that line?

Do I really want to lose all that I’ve earned?

All these things for which, when lonely, I yearned?

Satisfied or not, fear runs my life so I stay

I’m waiting, now, and letting the pieces fall where they may


© Chelsie Cummings 2016


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