A dark place in my soul reopens, my inner pain reawakens
A tornado is building up, a storm in the making
My heart sinks so deeply, it’s impossible to feel
The depression, anger, resentment threaten to kill
I’ve fallen into a hole, an abyss of confusion
I can’t climb out without a sensible resolution
Life is so good, and yet I crave more, a change
I’m not used to stability, I’ve always been estranged
I’m tempted to run and the desire grows stronger
I push away from the idea, but of it, I also grow fonder
I’m scared of the pain of leaving, but crave to be alone
I ignore this feeling, but I can’t ignore how its grown
What the hell is wrong with me, wanting to escape this life?
Look how far I’ve come from suffering, from misery, from strife
Is it the freedom, no commitment? Or drugs, feeling only numb?
I fight myself wanting to want to stay, but needing to run
I feel stuck, obligated, unsatisfied, in a world I accidentally chose
I can blame no one but myself for feeding desires that arose
Or maybe I can blame him, he should’ve been here
And she is useless to me and denied me all these years
I can blame divorced, careless, selfish, neglectful parents
Abandonment or the elements of my genetic inheritance
I wish to be unborn, to return to “pre-existence”
But would I be content, would that really fix this?
I’m terrified of death, more so of the unknown
And yet I contemplate suicide, to free my soul from these bones
My spirit feels trapped in the cage I call my body
I’ve threatened my flesh, to end our camaraderie
But I fail, courage slipping away
Tears follow closely behind expressing my dismay
What does one do in such a predicament as mine?
Do I really want to run; do I want to cross that line?
Do I really want to lose all that I’ve earned?
All these things for which, when lonely, I yearned?
Satisfied or not, fear runs my life so I stay
I’m waiting, now, and letting the pieces fall where they may
© Chelsie Cummings 2016